Family

"It is not our differences that divide us. It is our inability to recognize, accept, and celebrate those differences."

It seems I missed a month... oops! Oh well, maybe I'll write two in September.

Next week I'll be headed to Dallas for a much needed R&R. I earned a girls weekend getaway to a lake in Dallas, there are massages scheduled, pampering and then more pampering. That will be my second post. This feels like it needs to be about family.

You know my childhood. Well, when my mom got sick I became a bit rebellious and traveled a path that becomes every parents nightmare, alcohol and drugs. I grew out of it when I decided to be a mom without regrets. She did not choose to be born, that was a decision her father and I made. She deserved the best life we/I could give give her.

I didn't grow out of it without a heavenly nudge. My older sister had a drug addiction and went into a rehab facility. To visit her we had to go through orientation. During orientation they talked about addictive personalities, either having one or marrying one. It appeared that me and my two sisters all married our dad, an alcoholic. It is a cycle, you marry it, you become it, unless you choose to break it. At that moment I chose to break it. I was not going to have my baby girl grow up in a home like I did and then either marry someone with that personality or become that personality.

How did that work out for me... Well, she was not quite two years old when this AHA moment came. She was two when I divorced her dad. The ultimatum of 'no drinking' was not embraced. In fact, my head went through a china cabinet, the phone was ripped out the wall and thrown at me. He missed, he hit my baby. I had him arrested, DFAC's got involved. I moved from South Carolina to Georgia to be with family and never looked back.

How did that work out for me... I was offered a job in Atlanta (I live near Athens). There was a lot of commuting time. My younger sister was going to help with child care. She drove a school bus so she would be home. Let's just say I ended up having to hire two different child cares. One from 8-5 and the other 5 until I got home so she could be at home in her bed asleep.

It was tough. My 80+ year old grandmother helped out, she kept her once she started school and would get off the bus there.

Where is all of this going you ask? I am being reflective today, in a sad sort of way. In fact as I typed that sentence I got teary eyed. Because of our childhood, all we three girls had growing up was truly each other. Who else would understand? Who else was always there? I don't have a relationship with either of them now. Makes me sad.

First, I want to make one thing very clear, not once have I thought myself BETTER than either of them. I do get frustrated with their past and present choices, not because I'm better, but because I chose different.

"Be miserable. Or motivate yourself. Whatever has to be done, it's always your choice."

I ended up moving away and with my job, I transferred to Knoxville, Tennessee. I was still rebellious and still making stupid choices, but in looking back, I think the move from Watkinsville was my first step in the right direction. My sisters never moved. They stayed, they never REALLY made a decision on their own unless they asked Daddy's opinion. Let me clarify that, if it was an important decision, regarding money that is. They got in a financial bind, Daddy always bailed them out, but they always paid him back. He was funny like that. If you borrowed money, he had a ledger that he listed everything in it. At some point we all paid back what we borrowed.

Daddy helped me as well, I'm not saying I didn't need my Dad, I did. In fact, when I moved from South Carolina to Georgia, my Dad paid for it. I did pay him back. I loved him, I spoke to him at least once a day, everyday, until he passed. So, there was that dependency, I did make decisions on my own, but I would also ask for his opinion too.

In writing this, I realized our relationship changed once Daddy died. They didn't have anyone to help make those decisions, choices, whatever, for them. They had to do it on their own.

Daddy always had a family thing on holidays, for years I kept that tradition going. I've stopped. I can't fix things. I'm not their parent. I can't be the one who wants them to grow up and be an adult. They have to want it for their children. They have to want it for their grandchildren. They have to want it for themselves. This is where we are.

I'm NOT BETTER, I WANT BETTER. I want better for my family, that includes my sisters. But I can't want it more than they do. We all grew up in the same dysfunctional family. We all were raised by the same parents, saw the same fights. Same values, same everything. The difference is I said ENOUGH.

Making the different and right choices is hard, life is hard. But we have to decide what kind of hard do we want. “No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path.”

So, where does that leave us? I still have two sisters that I love. I still have two sisters that I want more for them. But who's to say that they haven't grown? Maybe our grown is just different, maybe they are where they want to be. Maybe it is me who needs to let go.

This was not where I expected this story to go. I guess we all at some point need to realize that your story, your path, is just that, yours. Just as those around you must make their own story, their own path. When you love someone, it shouldn't be about trying to make your story fit their life, but accept the differences that divide us and let them live the life they choose.

"If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away."

Henry David Thoreau